Never again
by Nekomi Kuei
Summary: She could've gotten out. Before everything got out of hand. Before she would be thrown into devastation if anything were to happen between them. While things were still in control. She chose not to. CCHP


Disclaimer: H.P. not mine. Say it is and i'll laugh in your face. Sexy, scruffy-looking Dan in his new photo shoots is mine :P Not really, but you can't blame me for lying, can you?

A/N: Wow, this came out of nowhere O.o hehe. Well, its a fic i've had on my mind for a long time, but never managed to actually write down. Until last night, this was doomed to reman an idea, lol. I don't know if i'll continue it or not. Bit angsty, bit sad.

* * *

She was stirred from her sleep by his touch. The same strong hands that used to hold her tightly back at Hogwarts, shielding her from the world, saying that everything would be all right. Promising a future next to him, a future that never came to be. And it was all her fault…Her fault. Everything was her fault nowadays. 

His strong yet gentle touch lulled her to a blissful stage where only they existed. This was her nirvana, her little piece of heaven. Nothing could spoil this moment, nothing could tear them apart. At least for a few moments. She exhaled lightly, and his eyes traveled from her legs to her face. She could feel his intent stare. Searching, investigating. For an answer, a question. Something that had always been there but had been kept a secret from him for long years. She kept her eyes closed, afraid that if she opened them, everything would fall apart.

The bed shifted, and she felt his legs slide against hers, so he was straddling her. With his other hand now free, he began roaming her body. From her feet, to her thighs, waist, chest, neck and finally, her face. His fingers danced across her cheeks, chin and came to a stop near her eyelids. He had his thumbs placed on her closed eyes, and his warm breath tickled her lips.

What was he doing, exactly?

Easy, easy enough from her to know. He had been married for four years. He had grown accustomed to his wife's body. Her curves, her hair, her lips. And now she was gone, and she was just a stranger to him. He had never touched another woman in his life this intimately. It was like starting again. Everything was new and awkward, uncertain about the future. He was erasing is wife from his mind, trying to grow accustomed to the new intrusion in his life. He was memorizing every inch of her body.

His lips pressed gently against her own, and her eyes snapped opened.

It wasn't romantic, or exiting. It was a pure kiss. One you gave without experience, without any knowledge of what would happen next. It could've meant love, or it could've meant rejection. The same kiss she had given him so long ago, under the mistletoe in the room of requirement. Only she wasn't sixteen, and he wasn't the young, innocent boy with the longing stare of a puppy who had just found a treat but was too scared to venture and reach out for it. He was the one making the approach now.

She wanted to return the kiss. She really did. But something inside her strained. He looked so tired. She watched him carefully, studying his face. If she was sixteen, if she had anything left of what she had once had in her teenage years, she would've smiled. Said his messy hair and relaxed features made him look cute. Adorable, with the little stubble coming out of his boyish face. He gave short puffs of breath against her lips, making her flush and heat beneath him. He pressed his lips more firmly against hers, one hand trailing down to rub the skin near her thigh. Maybe Ginny had liked that. Maybe Ginny was aroused by that. The thought startled her.

Maybe because she couldn't, didn't want to imagine him in bed with another woman. The same woman that had spoiled any chance reconciliation that they might've had. The same woman who ridiculed her, a captain of the Ravenclaw team and best female seeker in Hogwarts history, by beating her not once, but twice. A snot-nosed little girl that had just gotten out of diapers had beaten her to his heart. Impressing him, making a total fool out of the Ravenclaw seeker by stealing everything from under her nose. The snitch, Harry, her reputation as a good player. Everything she had once cared about, now gone. Maybe all that had hurt her, wounded her pride.

He tried deepening the kiss. She didn't allow him.

She pulled away and turned her head to the side. Away from him, to hide the shame eating at her soul. Was this her destiny? To remain a slave of her thoughts? To dream about the fairy-tale ending she had so desperately sought but failed to grip? To spend countless hours pondering maybe's and ifs' until her mind collapsed from exhaustion? To be there, next to him, but far from his arms reach?

"Don't touch me!" Her voice was soft, and strangled. Muffled by the little voice in her head that was screaming. Calling her a weakling for rushing into his arms like a wounded animal. Calling her a slut for sleeping with him when he had forgotten all about her for five years. "Please, just go away."

"Cho.." He began, but never finished. His hand cupped her chin and turned her face to his. His eyes were green. Like grass, like spring. Time of love and renewal. Spring that melted winters and freed the spirit. Bright like the sun that burned. Fire that consumed the soul. Fire that ignited passion. That tore lovers apart. The ever consuming flame of madness. The same fire that burned down the icy walls of her heart. His eyes warmed her chilled body pleasantly.

"Not Cho." She said. Angrily, out of disappointment. She felt imprisoned. A slave whose only purpose in life was to please him. _How nice_, she though dryly. _How sad_. _How sad indeed_. She would be forever known as Potter's new love. The replacement, the concubine. Nothing more than an object that could be discarded, just as she had once been. With a grimace, she realized that as long as she could be near him, she didn't care. "Not anymore. She's dead. Died in war, just like Harry Potter died. Dead."

"No, no they're not. No she's not" He said, inching closer. Her mind screamed at her to pull away, before everything got out of hand. Before she would be thrown into devastation if anything were to happen between them. She had already suffered because of him. She had already walked this path of deception. She could've turned away now, while everything was in check. She chose not to. "She's here, with me. As beautiful as ever, as clear as the sky."

He kissed her. Once. Twice.

Sexy. Lustful. Full of heat and unbridled desire. A make her his kiss. The one that erased any past thoughts she had been having about them. She sighed in satisfaction, wrapping her slender legs around his waist and edging closer. He dived for her lips again, now placing a hand behind her head to move her in any direction he wanted. His tongue was a conquering one, fierce and unforgiving, and she yielded to its every move. He grunted in approval. Maybe he was expecting her to struggle? Why on earth would she ever do that when she had a house to keep her warm and a man to please her? He easily slid into her, meeting no resistance whatsoever. She watched as his head back rolled back, face contorted with pleasure.

"Is it ok? Am I making you uncomfortable?" He panted. Sweat beads were already gathering in his forehead, chest heaving. She smiled weakly, staring at him from under droopy half-closed lids. _At least he cares a bit,_ she thought sadly. Did it matter if he was making her uncomfortable? Not that he was. Quite the contrary, she hadn't felt this good for a long time. "Am I hurting you in any way?"

Physically? No. Emotionally? Maybe.

"No, you're not" She said softly, reaching out to brush his hair from his eyes, giving her a better view. Of what? Of his eyes, his striking green eyes. Dark with lust, burning with longing. For her. The thought sent a satisfactory grin to her porcelain features. "You're wonderful"

And those words sent him to a spiral of frenzy caused by passion.

* * *

_To the (Scratched out word) of my (blotchy stain): _

_This is my role in life._

_To dream about the fairy-tale ending I never managed to get. To spend night and day wondering what would've happened if we had never drifted apart. To only guess what will happen between us in the future, if there is a future, and hope for the best. _

_Now, I accept that I was never perfect, never perfect but…maybe we were both wrong. Too young, too stupid to know what we were doing. And even though we never spoke again (Until we met a few years later), and we seldom saw each other in my last year—mostly because I avoided you like a fox avoids blood hounds—I never gave up hope. Hope that you would come one day and sweep me off my feet like in the stories. And can you blame me, Harry? Can you? I was too naïve to accept my own mistakes. _

_If only you would've returned…if only you would've swallowed your goddamn pride and listened to me instead of listening to your temper, the one that almost destroyed you, we could've been together. I never needed much, just some affection, anything that told me that you really cared. A woman like me is hard to find, and I'm not saying that because I think I am the greatest thing in the wizarding world, I'm saying that because I believed in you. Even when those you called your friends feared because they thought you would perish, I trusted you with all my heart and stood by you no matter what. Because I know you would do anything to save the people who you love._

_Maybe because I was also in love. _

_You were so enamored with what you did, and I was so enamored with you….._

_Maybe that was my mistake. Maybe that is why I'm suffering so much. And maybe this pain in my chest, the constricting feeling I get whenever you look at me, maybe it will all go away if I leave. Leave far from you and venture into the unknown. Someone once said "the world is a cold place" but silence is also cold, bone chilling at its worst. And my winters are too long, and my loneliness grows with every sunset. But whenever I think about leaving, whenever I try to see myself away from you, I tremble. It's not worth it. What is life if I have nothing to protect? What is life if I have nothing to love and cherish? _

_What will life be without you? Hell?_

_I do not fear eternal fire, or those sour stories about heartbreak, because I've already been through all that. I've already seen the heavens fall and Hell freeze over. I am young, still in my early twenties, but I've endured more than most people have in this world. I've seen death all around me. I had to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I've walked_ knee-deep_ over a dozen bloody corpses of people I knew from Hogwarts and from the ministry. If you learn with experience, if things like these really scar, then I'm already worn out. Faded, stretched, thinned and just about ready to break. I am young no more. _

_Sad, isn't it, Harry?_

_The weight on my shoulders is becoming heavier and I'm cracking under the pressure. Now I'm starting to wonder, is this what I really wanted? Do I want to be remembered as Harry Potter's second wife? Do I want to see your little girl everyday and think that she could've been mine, once upon a time? Do I want to hear her call me Cho, instead of mum? Do I want to sleep in the same bed as you knowing that if she had never died I would be in Ireland, drinking my sorrows away and she would be at your side, keeping you warm? The more I think about it, the more I doubt. _

_Then again…_

_You are an acquired taste, my love. And I fear that I have grown addicted to you. To your skin, your hair, your voice. My once solitary life, where there was no one to talk to but me, now revolves around you. My will is ebbing away with each day I spend next to you. Now it's just you, just you. I want to see you happy, be the object of you affection, and make you laugh. I want you to only think of me but, sadly, I know you have more important things. Like your daughter, your job, old friends. Who cares about poor Cho, anyways? I laugh at this thought. I'm becoming possessive, obsessed to the point where I shake when I imagine the life you had with your precious Ginny Weasley, now eternally sleeping next to your parents and my Cedric. I envy her to death, and I always will. _

_And that's why I've been thinking._

_Time cannot change what I do, my beloved, and I grow weary of all this unwanted emotions toward the life you had after we broke up in Hogwarts. That day I threw away a life by your side for my already dying pride and I've suffered the consequence: A life of dreams that never came, and never will come true. Surprised to hear me finally admitting it? Are you glad that I, to my own weakness, now give a voice to the thoughts that I had to carry hidden for six years? I am even more surprised than you are. I've changed. For better or worse, you tell me. _

_Remember that day when Marietta came over, and we went to the guests room for a woman-to-woman chat? She knew what was happening to me. She knew that I was lost, even before I came to you. She knew I was still in love with you, but would never admit it. Knowledgeable woman. As most Ravenclaws are, I guess. I think she wanted to remind me that I could change my fate, leave and start a new life alongside the man i had left behind. She said together, you and i, Harry, could plan to get married. When she mentioned getting married to you, I must admit, I was hoping she was joking. Harry Potter married to Cho Chang. I must admit, I was…scared. Quite terrified, frankly. _

_I told her to leave. More like shouted actually. I wasn't angry at her for suggesting it. After all, i was in love with you, getting married seemed logical after being in a relationship for two years, no? But it is my desion. Mine and mine alone. _

_I can choose to do what I want with you. I have more feelings than the ones I commonly show. Everyone said that we were perfect. We both had our tragedies, we were both seekers, we got along fine. I fell in love immediately. Never had I felt like that, not even with Cedric. Can you believe me if I say that you did not return my love? Maybe you did, in some way, but not the way I wanted it. That was the problem. My love was…unrequited, I assume, because if you had actually felt anything for me, you would've turned to me and not the Ginny during my last year at Hogwarts. So you say you do now, eh? With every repetition, lies just sort of mix in with the truth, don't they? _

_I don't think I can change the past, or what you are, what we've become. Your newly found love for me doesn't change what I am, nor will it ever change what I do. And if I chose again, to betray my feelings for my pride, what would you do? Would you stop me from fleeing and assure me that you care, or will you just shout back and watch me leave fuming like last time? I might choose to, and you, with some consideration might not. Time changes feelings, Mr. Potter, and time might even change us. We'll see._

_But for now…._

_I chose to stay, and ponder my choices. If I leave you, I leave my heart, lose my soul, without you. If I don't leave, I may wither with time, and my heart and soul will be splintered. Whichever it is, it will come to a close. Eventually, I will choose one. But when and why I choose one, I don't know. For now this will never end. I'll pretend to be the love of your life, you play at love with me like our break-up never happened. That is what I think, bitterly. I am betraying my habits as a loner to be with you, my love, my life. I believe Hermione said that she had called you tactless after that terrible date of ours happened in Valentine 's Day? I laugh. Who's the tactless one now? _

_Granted, I will choose, some time or another. Just for now…I write this down, in case I leave one day and never return to you. Just in case. Although I want to stay beside you forever. I need you, I will always come back to you, unless hell forbids it. I leave, I return. Then I leave again, not knowing if I'll find my way back to your arms._

_And again, I repeat: Just for now… _

_Mine is a never ending cycle that spurs on for eternity. I shall meet my fate one day, but I don't agree for a meeting with it just yet. After all, some meetings are all but foreordained. Just like us, no? _

_Love,_

_Cho Chang_

_P.S._

_I bet you're curious as to why and how this all happened, right? If you turn the journal and open it on the first page, you can read my story from the beginning. From the day I was assigned a mission in London, to the day I met you again. It's a pretty sad story, but you'll like it if, y'know, you're into the depressing type of things. Just keep in mind that I never knew what you wanted, so I gave you…everything._

_Love you, Harry, hope you're not too angry or disappointed. _

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A/N: Well, i just saw OoTP and i just have something to say: Its not that good. Its the worst HP movie ever. They didn't even get half of the things right, and the characters were ooc. Plus they changed some things, like Marietta and the way things happened in the order. As an avid H.P. fan, i am deceptioned. The special FX are cool thought. :) 2 out of 5 in my rating :D 


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